Weighing Options

I feel like I’ve been in a transition period for the last month, but the transition is nearly complete.

Or is it? I don’t know.

Since I got back to work after my two weeks of holidays, I’ve been focusing on lots of small but neglected tasks that are making my business run smoother and make me better able to serve my people—those who would benefit most from what I offer.

Now that the most important of those tasks are done (though I still have an ongoing list a mile long, as always), I need to turn my attention back to my manuscript. I mean, there’s still a small part of me that wonders if I could actually have this Christmas book ready in time for Christmas.

That might take a Christmas miracle, but hey… I believe in miracles. :-)

But even as I look at diving into that project, part of me is resisting.

Not Resisting à la Steven Pressfield’s concept of Resistance, the combined force of all that keeps you from risking yourself creatively.

No, this different. It’s about whether or not I feel ready to commit myself to another project of this length already. Because I know once I’m in it, I’m in it until it’s done.

When I’m in, I’m all in. Image by Austin Neill (@arstyy), courtesy of Unsplash.

You see, it’s not just small projects I attack with ferocity and the unending drive to finish it as quickly as possible. It’s all projects. And after forty-five years on this earth, I haven’t yet figured out a way to start any project without it becoming kind of all-consuming until it’s complete. And the longer it takes to finish it, the more it takes out of me emotionally.

Which is why this “break” has felt so wonderful. I’ve been doing lots of little things. When they’re small and quick, it doesn’t matter if I focus on it like it’s the only thing I have to live for—in an hour or two, or a day tops, it’ll be done, and I’ll be released. Plus, I get a lot of energy from finishing things, so each completed task is helping me build rungs on my ladder out of the burnout pit.

But a book… a book is a different story (no pun intended… or maybe it is, haha).

Honestly, if I hadn’t already committed to this next book being a Christmas story, I would consider taking at least another two weeks before I started writing again. I feel like I need that.

So maybe what I need to do is let go of the semi-unrealistic expectation that I’ll still publish this manuscript by Christmas and just take the bloomin’ two weeks to keep getting my poop in a pile and rebuilding my strength.

Because it’s a lot easier to commit myself to a project that will take weeks and months to complete when I know I’ve set everything else to rights before I start.

Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. I went to bed last night planning to dive into my manuscript this morning. But after writing all this out, I see how prioritizing my mental health probably means letting this unrealistic expectation of myself go. And if I feel tired at the idea of starting writing again… well, maybe I’d be better off to wait.

Because if getting the book out by Christmas isn’t going to be possible anyway, there’s no sense killing myself to do it and perpetuating my burnout injury when the difference will be between publishing it in January or February or publishing it in March. I mean, they all miss the deadline… or they’re nine to eleven months early for next year’s, depending on how you look at it, lol.

Okay. I’m going to close out this blog post and go do some serious reflecting and thinking about what to do next. Because one thing I have learned in forty-five years is to listen to that resistance in my gut when I try to force myself to do something I’m not ready to do. I’d much rather create a lovely book I’m proud of and release it late than rush to put words on a page and turn out something shoddy by the deadline. After all, Christmas does come around every year. :-)

If it was you, what would you do?

P.S. As of right now, my grandmother is doing okay. In fact, she seems to have improved a great deal since Friday. She’s not out of the woods, but it’s nice to see her smiling and interacting with people again.