I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that we have officially reached the centre of the two months officially designated “summer holidays'“—for those of us who live life by the school year, anyway. (As a piano teacher and a mom with teenage kids, that would be me.)

Maybe it’s that we’ve only really had “summer weather” for a few days in the last week or so.

Or maybe it’s that my kids have been home since mid-March, so what the heck are summer holidays anyway?

Or maybe it’s because our normal “summer” pattern has been completely disrupted by not only coronavirus, but also a house purchase deal that is racing along at the speed of turtle—we keep putting off taking holidays with plans to use them to set up and renovate the new house if and when it comes, which means we didn’t take a trip to visit our family this year. But we’re still waiting for the final stage of the deal to go through. (Long story, different post.)

Or maybe it’s because, for the first time in my life, I’ve had full-time work since last summer, meaning my work week leaves me so exhausted by the weekend that the idea of relaxing enough to enjoy summer seems like a far-off dream. (And before you roll your eyes because you’re thinking that “full time” is only 40 hours a week: I work, on average, 50-70 hours between Monday morning and Friday night, and then sometimes more on the weekend. That’s not a scheduled “shift” with breaks included. Those are actual hours of work logged.)

No matter the reason, I have found myself looking longingly out the window this week, wishing I could take a real holiday of some kind. I need the break.

Wish granted. There’s a long weekend coming up. I plan to take Monday off and not work at all this weekend, unless it’s to work on my own book. Yippee!

Oh, and one other thing…

I’m facing a big decision. This is the time of year where I usually start planning my new piano teaching season. But as the days have worn on and Decision Time has drawn closer, I have been having a real struggle about whether to even teach this year.

Here’s the list of pros and cons:

Cons:

• My schedule is already super full and I don’t need to add 6+ more hours of work to my week.

• My schedule is super full and my income finally reflects that for the first time in my life and my budget would be just fine without the extra work.

• My schedule is super full and I’m exhausted enough without having to worry about coronavirus cleaning precautions or potential exposure or having to keep my house clean enough for guests three days a week—and nearly half of my students were not able to do online lessons due to unavailable internet. (Online lessons weren’t ideal, anyway. Better than nothing, but I don’t know if I want to start another season planning to do that for the whole ten months. It was something I did as a stop-gap measure to prevent an unfinished season only.)

• I had already planned to “work myself out of my piano teaching job” by the time Jabin graduates in three years, so it’s not like I’m emotionally attached to my identity as a piano teacher. I just didn’t expect this choice to come up so soon.

• And did I mention that we might be renovating and moving, and I’m already exhausted and my schedule is super full?

Pros:

• I have thirteen students I care about who will be unlikely to find other teachers, especially during the pandemic, and for whom me stepping back could have a major impact on the trajectory of their lives. No, not for all of them. But definitely for some of them.

• I like watching my students develop and grow as musicians and as people.

• Lessons provide me with face-to-face social interaction outside my family—more important these days than ever.

• Music is therapeutic, even if I’m only listening to my students’ work pieces. Some weeks when deadlines have threatened to overwhelm me, that has been a sanity-saver.

The biggest Pro, of course, is the first one—that’s the only unselfish reason, and the one that matters most. I can receive all the other Pro benefits in other ways that wouldn’t involve the stress of all the Cons.

So, while the first Pro is literally the only reason I would keep teaching piano at this point (since I’ve already discovered I don’t need to), it is a huge one. But now I’m stuck asking myself, Given the cons and the potential personal price I might pay if I keep teaching, is it huge enough to keep doing it?

Another thought occurred to me today—I am well aware that I have a finite quantity of hours that I am capable of working in a given week without burning out. Some of the writing and editing projects I scheduled into my year have expanded in scope, and will therefore take up even more time than expected—and it’s not like I have those hours just laying around trying to figure out what to do with themselves. So what may be the true deciding factor here is this: Do I even have time to teach piano this year?

I plan to do that math this weekend. Because I honestly don’t know.

But no matter which way I land on this, there will be a price to be paid. I hate decisions like that. (They are perfect for characters in my novels. Experiencing them yourself is much less pleasant.)

That’s all today. No deep revelations or inspiration. Just that I’m a little stuck, and a lot tired, and I really really need this long weekend. Maybe I’ll have better clarity after a few days’ rest.

If you’re the praying type, please spare a prayer for discernment and guidance for me. I am really feeling the need.

Happy Thursday, friend!